I still can remember my phone’s notification when you send me texts, I assigned a different tone for it. I had a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach, that every time I open your messages, I get nervous and anxious but seemingly excited. I often read our conversations with your voice clearly inside my head.
Woke up at 2 am. Why did I suddenly craved for you? I immediately took my phone, browsed my gallery and saw one of my favourites. A picture of the sunset, but the best part is you sitting on the sand, staring at it. I’ve thought of things to do in the morning. Get that printed, write a special message, and put it in a frame.
What makes me happy? My answer is you. I realized that my head is mostly swarmed with thoughts of you. Lying next to you, there were candles and we’re listening to dreamy tunes. Sitting next to you, binge-watching with our blankets on, knowing that someone would listen to my frustrations with open-ended endings. Eating next to you with lunch that you bought from a Chinese restaurant when you know I’m craving for pasta. Waking up next to you, looking at your face, knowing all I ever need is this one thing that would change my entire life around.
I soaked myself in a warm bath, legs curled on the side of the tub. You came to me, offered me a glass of wine and you smoked Camels. We talked, I laughed so much with your jokes. I admired your humour and ability to think differently from others. I wanted you to put out your cigarette. Then we immediately shifted to making love. You fascinate me to no end. Oh, is this a perfect goodbye from someone going for a business trip?
These were the days that I spent most of my time sitting on the same spot, waiting for you to arrive. It’s been 14 days already and I miss every detail of your face. You sent me a photo with some people on your trip to Sweden. I’m thinking which of these people are you with today. What are you eating, what are you drinking, what are you doing, or maybe who you’re sleeping with? I slept early that night, I felt tired waiting for your call. But nothing came. After a few days, we ended. You left and I never saw you again.
Mornings have been hard these days. The only good thing about it is seeing the sun rising outside the window while the sky turns into different shades of colour. This somehow makes me feel better. I’ve actually been feeling like I’ve lost a part of me when you left my life. How do you literally get over someone you saw your future with?
Months have passed. I’ve somehow forgotten you. I left our house, I left my job, I changed my number. I focused my time meeting new people and making new friends. Art paintings are one of my hobbies these days. Also, taking photos using a vintage camera and developing films in my red room. See? I’m happy again.
Strolling to work, I’ve thought of getting a drink. I visited the new coffee shop just around the corner. My friends have great comments about it. After choosing a drink, I told the barista to put my name, “Violet” on the cup. The restaurant was full. From my seat, I have a nice view. I’ve seen vintage photos on the wall but what I saw other than that is the person who broke my heart. That same person – his round, imperfect face, his dry lips. The person, who came and left me, is now with someone new. He’s looking at her passionately. I noticed she has a bright diamond ring. Oh, how it fits perfectly on her.
Finally, the barista called my name. I almost jumped from my seat.
I walked down the street, so fast, I can’t feel my feet anymore. My ex-fiance called me. I looked at him. He said “sorry”. He said “sorry” so casually as if nothing hurtful has happened. Just like putting band-aid at a wound, expecting that it won’t bleed again. Said “sorry” expecting that everything that has been broken would instantly be fixed.
I left him immediately.
Here I am, back to my old self. Broken, so easily, by just seeing that someone again.